I've felt the attacks of the enemy in what seems to be every waking moment in the past three weeks. I sincerely believe it's partly because I'm going to teach strategy with a focus on the gospel with some women this weekend at Influence. Satan knows what's up. He knows I'm going to speak truth into these women's lives. I want our blogs to be online spaces that point to Him when so many are not. I want them to be salt & light. He's threatened. By putting strains on my health, our finances, our marriage, relationships, my energy levels and sleep (or lack there of), my home, and mode of transportation, Satan is crippling me. He knows how to knock me down and make me doubt the goodness of God. He makes me live in fear of what terrible thing will happen next.
Yesterday, the cooler weather set in and I decided to trade my iced coffee for a warm drink. With a white chocolate mocha + a dash of cinnamon, a sleeping babe in the backseat, and the radio turned off, I cruised around the rural parts on the outskirts of Boulder. I drove with nowhere to go, praying, confessing to God my unbelief and doubt. I drove around talking with God as though He was (He is!) a friend who I felt wronged me (He didn't)...telling Him that I'm mad at my circumstances. I'm angry with how this month that was supposed to be joy-filled and jam-packed with goodness turned into a stressful, chaotic, season of suffering. I told Him that although the Bible says we're considered blessed to be worthy of suffering for the sake of the Gospel, that we're supposed to count it all as joy - that it sure feels like punishment...and counting it all as joy seems impossible right now.
I didn't know what else to pray for, except to close it with a plea for peace as I drove up to our home. I prayed for peace and a constant posture of gratitude. I don't know if I feel it yet, but I'll keep praying for it because I don't know what else I can do. The second I stop asking for it and stop fighting, the second I lose my joy - the enemy wins. To that, I say, "Screw that. I'm not a quitter."
I hope that other women going to Influence aren't feeling the same attacks, defeat and discouragement...but if I had my guess - they are. My prayer is that we would be women who suffer well and look for places that we can find joy and peace amidst all the chaos. Our God is triumphant and we will celebrate that this weekend.
Sweater - Target last year
Rejoice in hope, be patient during tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:12