This time last year, I felt so fragile. Life was chaotic and the Lord was allowing us to feel one struggle after another.
1. We were kicked out of our apartment when the windows started leaking copious amounts of water due to all the rain from the Boulder Flood. Our carpets were soaked and previous tenants had cats so when the carpet got wet, it released bacteria and odors that were unbearable from urine ((tell me again why ANYONE would want a cat?)). Chase is allergic to cats so the now exposed dander made it impossible for him to sleep. Every single hotel in a 50 mile radius was booked from people whose homes were entirely flooded. We were fortunate, but still down & out.
2. We celebrated our 5th Anniversary with all of our furniture pushed to one side of our apartment with the carpet removed and fans blowing everything dry. We ate pizza on the floor while Knox snoozed.
3. We stayed with some generous friends from church that we hardly knew at that time right when Knox started cutting his first tooth and was still not even close to sleeping through the night at 5 months old. I definitely hadn't gotten a hang of the whole "being a mom and living on no sleep" thing...I was on the verge of tears at all times.
4. I was preparing to go to a conference and sell my handmade items at a market. I couldn't even get to my sewing machine. My life felt like it was in shambles and traveling to Indianapolis was the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted to hunker down and pick up some pieces. We road tripped to Arkansas for a friend's wedding. We found out the hard way that Knox does not like being in the car for more than an hour. ;)
Looking back, it was the beginning of a year that was spent being knocked down to the Feet of the Father and also being picked up by Him by the armpits while I was limp and helpless. It was a year of heartache and changes.
Fast forward to this past May. We bought a house and the next weekend, my life seemed to crumble. Chase was out of town for a class he had to finish for school. We had found out about a month or two prior that we were expecting baby number two, for which we were surprised by and giddy about at the same time. It was a huge reason why we sought to buy a house in the first place.
A happy change and an event that was supposed to be joyful and exciting was tainted by heartbreak. I had been "spotting" all weekend but didn't know until I had to bump up my doctors appointment for an emergency ultrasound Monday morning that we had lost our baby. A child that we were so excited about and had already been making plans for. We loved that baby just as much as Knox and we had yet to meet them. Sitting in that ultrasound chair while the ultrasound tech failed to find any sign of a heartbeat was the most heartbreaking moment of my life. I think I was just trying to hold onto hope that everything was okay until proven otherwise up until that point. I remember thinking...hm, she must be new at this...just to try and not believe the actual outcome. When she labeled two things "baby A" and "baby B?" - I lost it. I asked her to turn off the tv monitor and the sound while she finished. After an excruciating two hour wait for my doctor, it was all confirmed and I was sent home - in complete shock and devastation - to let nature run it's course. I'll spare you details, but after a sweet friend stayed the night with me while I labored, after complications and some amazing friends rushing me to the ER the next morning, after my parents flew in from Texas and Chase flew back early from his trip. After a surgery and the hardest 48 hours of my life - I still couldn't wrap my head around it all.
Over the next few months, I tried to let myself grieve and process. Many days, I would just try to distract myself. There were days that I felt the joy of the Lord and saw beauty - whether that was in gorgeous summer weather or the therapeutic nature of planting our garden and landscaping around our home. There were days that the Lord showed me over & over that He was right there beside me, but I didn't want Him there. I fell into this dark state that was hardened, calloused and cynical. I truly doubted the goodness of the Lord at times.
In one of my darkest weeks, Chase asked me to read a section of a book by Eugene Peterson ((a long obedience in the same direction)) and I said "No." He read it to me anyways. We were driving somewhere, he had the book in his backpack, and he started reading it to me. It was a turning point in my grieving.
"For God does not want us neurotically dependent on him but willingly trustful in him. And so he weans us....God hasn't abandoned you and you haven't done anything wrong. You are being weaned...You are free to come to God or not come to him. You are, in a sense, on your own with an open invitation to listen and receive and enjoy our Lord."
For me - I felt the Lord was weaning me from my own self-sufficiency. Even from my instinct to simply distract myself with work and designing. I couldn't control what happened. I couldn't stop it once it was happening. I couldn't even control my own emotions after it happened. But once I realized that it was a choice I was making to be cynical and doubtful of the Lord's goodness - I could truly start to turn that on it's head and CHOOSE to find joy and CHOOSE to trust that He is for me and CHOOSE to believe that He is good -
EVEN especially in those days that are hard and sorrowful.
I've hesitated writing about this because it seems way too vulnerable and personal and raw to expose. But I wanted to explain how much this change of seasons is meaning to me. So what does my miscarriage have to do with my Fall line?
This Fall is more than about pumpkin flavored beverages and flannel and boots...it's about a fresh start and a reminder to choose joy as a new season approaches - whether it's smooth sailing or full of refining and devastation. It's part of the reason I am so excited for this Fall line I just launched. To me, it's a tangible symbol of getting my feet back on the ground, trusting God to use and shine through the creativity He's given me, and hoping in the new mercies He's promised every morning. Because sometimes, we have to take things a day, even an hour, at a time because that's all we can handle. Putting our hope in our to-do lists or distractions or elusive "me time" won't get us anywhere. So, this might just look like a pretty font on a flattering tee - but it's my heart on a product. It's my hope for y'all : That you would choose joy instead of wallowing in despair for so long - like I did. That doesn't mean that you just brush off your feelings. I'm still sad about those few days in early May several times a week and I don't think the heartbreak will ever truly go away. Please feel your feelings and take all the time you need to grieve. But believe that He makes all things new (2 Cor 5:17) and that He cares for you (Zeph 3:17). My heart and soul are both so intertwined in this line of headbands, kimonos, and tops. I hope you love it as much as I do. The excitement of a new season is so refreshing and rejuvenating - I want to embrace it and squeeze it for all it's worth.